Jody Langer's Journal

Been another week...

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 21:17:41 GMT

Funny how these things pass so quickly. I had a pretty rough week of calling people about my college program. And then on Monday. Ashurai came back. She's in a coma in the hospital. I asked Ethnea what happened. She said she didn't know. She never told her. My parents finally are talking to me again but not about my birth. I had a dream about Brandon on Tuesday. He was choking me. All in all not the greatest week I could have had but I met up with Ian at the library. We talked for a while, compared notes. He's an Adept apparently, he can sense magical energy on people so he was concerned by how much was on me and what I was into. I appreciated his concern. I told him as much as I could, not too much about what Ethnea told me because I'm not too sure I can trust him yet. But I did tell him that energy was in my blood. He wants to come visit this weekend and I do hope I'll have the time. Things have been hectic. I still have a paper to do this evening for my class so I better get too it. Fortunately the worst of the weird stuff has let me be while my classes haven't let up. Aimie is doing well in her tutoring. Kim and Allie when on their trip to Santa Barbara on Mon for the week. The "Nina" Twins, as I kinda tease them as have been doing fine. Johnina has gotten rather stronger in her spirit. It's really beautiful. Jin went to Comic Con and so did Mike. But not me. Too busy alas, although I did have a trip to Thousand Oaks to deal with my records from a previous college. Not any cooler there though. Oh well, hopefully I'll survive this summer. That's all for now. Mike and I have a video game tournament planned to make up when I finally get ahold of some time for it.

It's been a crazy week

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 21:47:35 GMT

I did go on that date with Mike but we just found up sitting in the car and talking. It was really nice. I'm still practicing with Ethnea. Her business also seems to be flourishing. Ashurai came back, looking worse for wear. I asked her to go to the hospital. She had some kind of large injury on her right side but she said that she would heal in time, it was alright. I did wonder to myself what kind of creature could cause such a large injury in a fallen angel. Johnina and Kerina have been going to a Naginata Dojo nearby. It attended once. They looked so nice in the uniform. Johnina complained it looked a little dress-like but I noted she'd worn even more feminine items in the past and that made her blush but her sister made her wear it and she liked it. Aimie and Allie have been going to the mall a lot with Kim. On the whole I've been considering going on a trip for a while but the only thing I can consider is going to the beach somewhere because around here it's starting to get up into 109 range and it's 68 along the beach. Definite temptation. I might go on a second date with Mike to Comic Con, but I don't know. There's been a lot of school-related stuff going on and I just keep putting it off and making it more of an issue than I needs to be. And I'm still scared that something has happened to Brandon. I asked Ethnea about this the last time I practiced with her on building up the abilities of my ovalisk. I'm working on timing a change to distance it from the touch. She didn't say much. Mom hasn't said much either. We talked but no about any of my concerns. Right now to her it's like I next asked those questions. Even my dad is hush about it. I've been asking other family members but it seems like there's a code of silence about it and I worry that's just going to cause more pain in the end. Well, that's all for now. Take care.

Mike asked me out

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 05:50:04 GMT

We're gonna go to a movie on Saturday. I decided tonight was a good night to relax with some anime and a movie like Hotel Rwanda. Something inspiring like that. Pretty much everyone is coming over. I still have observation to do. This time a special ed class. Oh and I did some more practice with the ovalisk. Ethnea was open for business so I got some Miyazaki films at a cheap price. Other than that. It's been kinda quiet lately. Too quiet. I still worry about Brandon and Ashurai said she had to leave for a few days. I hope she'll be alright. Ethnea told me not to worry but she seemed a little concerned. I was able to turn the Johnina dress into a swimsuit with the ovalisk. I was able to slow down the change a little. Then I had Johnina and Kerina wear it. It was so cute. ^_^ Johnina got nervous the most. It'll be so much fun when the waterpark is open. Later for now.

Give this another shot

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 05:00:56 GMT

I was at Ethnea's place. It's nice. It's called the Mystic Blue Winds. Which is a blessing on it derived from the fact it's really windy here so a good source of energy to draw from. She had me meditate with her and ovalisk. She showed me how to send energy from one place to another. It was really neat although a little scary. It was like I was deep inside my body and my body was just an artificial suit that was distanced from me. It was truly strange but she said I'm progressing well. Aimie is her normal spunky self. Still no Brandon. Ashurai is concerned that she may have seen an Archon lurking around the storage locker and that might have been related to what happened. I sure hope Brandon is ok. Our mom doesn't want to talk to me. My dad couldn't say much but he did say over and over that my mom was going through a difficult time when she had me. And she never really wanted a son. She wanted two daughters. That must be why she's so fond of Aimie. I've always cared for my parents. I think they're incredible parents and they've been so nice to me but it's hard to accept the mistakes they've made in their lives. It hurts to see how I want to see them, how I want to love them diminish under the weight of too many secrets eating at them. I do want to make amends with my mom but I've done my part, it's her move now. There's nothing else I can do but wait and in that time hope that nothing bad has happened to Brandon and he isn't hurt. The Convention went awesomely. I picked up some prize swag. I also picked up Planetes and Yotsuba& 1. Jin snuggled every bishi in sight. Alyssa won a cospay contest for best costume and got asked out a bunch of times but had to say that she had a boyfriend, that she was taken, which was weird for her for a number of reasons. When she returned to being Mike after a weekend of fun, he vowed to be a much more outgoing person and more confident. Aimie loved looking at the wall-to-wall anime art and got some figures of Di Gi Charat characters. Kerina dressed up as Etna and Akemi was dressed up as Plenair from Disgaea and other Nippon Ichi works. They were both a hit at the Convention and I think, had a lot of fun being cute girls. Akemi said to me that she knew she had a male side and female side and for now, so long as she had a female body, she's decided not to let the cuteness go to waste, she would be a woman with 100 percent of her enthusiasm for it. She would make sure each day she truly lived it and didn't regret being shy or self-hating or worried about what would happen if she was too feminine. She would just be. That gave me comfort in a week of uncertainty and still mulling over what I had learned. On July 4th, everyone watched the fireworks, I went out too, we could see them well from my house, but I went inside because while they were nice, my mind wasn't on enjoying them. Things are a little better now but I just feel so anxious, like knowing something bad is going to happen and I can't really do anything about it. I wish I could relax more. So much is settled but at the same time is feels like nothing had been settled. Oh well...goodnight...

looks around

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 08:45:37 GMT

Well Ethnea and Ashurai had to cancel my trip to the store, mostly because of the city having activities too nearby, the problem with Brandom missing and not wanting to let any of their concerns put a damper on my holiday. I was ok with it. I had a good weekend with Mike, who is back to Mike. Had major computer problems so my heart isn't in talking about this. I'll try tomorrow. Take care.

Back

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 10:11:48 GMT

Just got back from the Convention. I'll post details tomorrow. ^^ *plops on the bed* (considers getting a set of fold-out couches)

Post Script - Before Bed

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 23:34:27 GMT

I was up packing for the Convention when Ashurai called me and told me that she checked the storage locker and Brandon was gone and his vat was empty when she got there. There was some alarm in her voice which worried me but she told me not to worry, she would take care of it. And to have fun at the Convention. I need to get some rest but I can't help but feel worried about Brandon, what happened to him and if he's alright. I'll try to sleep though and have a fun weekend.

The Truth Unveiled

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 23:09:22 GMT

At the beginning first, Thursday was nice and quiet. I vacuumed and then spent the evening at the local farmer’s market. All my friends were there. Johnina wore that blue Azumanga Daioh shirt she ordered a long time ago, with matching sky bracelet. Kerina had on a skirt (a long, flowing one), and the earrings, along with a touch of glitter on her lips. Both girls seem to get along amazingly well. Sure, they tease and bother each other in a sisterly way but they’re so happy with one another. But they still gang up on me to make sure I feel loved as well. Just like my kitties.

Even Johnina seems to concede at this point that she is inescapably a girl. She’s at peace. She’s not alone. Both really care for each other and everyone they run across. I had a hot dog at the market and listened to the music till about nine. I also picked up a few CDs at a reseller and a bunch of fresh fruit. We also had dinner there. Aimie is finally getting over the worst of her pain and discomfort. She also hinted to me that she had a crush on her summer tutor. It’s kinda half-cute, half-worrysome. But I figure, given time, she’ll grow out of it.

Jin was dressed up in the cutest, fluffiest outfit. His boyfriend was a little nervous at first about going out and snuggling in public but I could tell he loved him so much that it didn’t really bother him. Erin wanted to come and bring her boyfriend and gripe about girl-stuff but I told her about the Ethnea visit I was having, so we had to reschedule. Antonia was absolutely glowing when I saw her and an amazing counterpoint to the somber, quiet man she was before. Kim was even there with Allie, who played with Aimie for the whole time we were there. I had a long chat with Alyssa about what I thought about being a woman and what I suggested she should do. Then she wanted me to zap her into a particular anime character for the weekend for a Convention.

She looks cute. But I wanted to put it off till Ethnea showed up. And she did, promptly, with Ashurai right behind her. It was early in the day. Ethnea wore the face of a young woman with flowing purple hair. She seemed as young as me but she was actually centuries older. She revealed to me that her true form seemed strikingly close to what Aimie and Allie drew once. Blue skinned with slopping horns. A gifted half-yokai. And she was my great-grandmother, formerly going by the name Anita Palbos-Langer. With her supposed death, she assumed a new shape and identity but kept close to the Langer clan, her family. She said she saw in me great potential. But that I needed a boost. So a certain day of each year since I turned 16, I’d been taken and immersed for two days in the fluid in the storage locker.

The fluid itself was drained from Ashurai’s essence, that was why I felt so close to her. She was a part of me and I was a part of her. The same with Ethnea. I felt something comforting around her too, even as she lay all these confusing revelations before me. My mind was so overwhelmed my the fluid I was immersed in, a congealed form of the Source within Ashurai, that it couldn’t process it properly. I couldn’t remember it. Brandon was immersed in the same thing (for particular and somewhat different reasons I’ll outline later), but he was a man. So it played to his strength and made him more of a man while retaining essential…bishi-like traits in him. He was my brother. He was the insurance Ashurai mentioned…two children against the Archons finding the ovalisk and stopping it from promoting creation and change throughout the universe. With two strong users of an ovalisk, the focus of the Archons would be split. All this was to further Ethnea’s goal of creating new change.

I couldn’t help but feel a little used by them. They acknowledged it and apologized. Ethnea apologized for many cases where she had manipulated me, mostly, she said, to protect me. She made sure I found the ovalisk because it developed my swelling ability to draw from the Source. Using the Love of the Maiden, as Ethnea had used when she first created it, I could make both men and women with an indwelling of that spirit. And with a touch of my own too. You see, each time I used the ovalisk, a piece of my spirit went with it. That’s why I got so sick, so hurt, so drained. That was why when I looked at those changed by me, I saw a little piece of myself, because there was a little piece of myself within each of them. The Archons were after me, the ovalisk, Ethnea and Ashurai. Ashura revealed her debt to Ethnea lay a long time ago when Ethnea was born. Because of the union of human and Yokai, Ashurai had been ordered to kill both of them by the Demiurge. It had worn the illusion of authority but it had been her choice to do it and she gave her life to protecting Ethnea when she realized her horrible mistake. The Demiurge, like its servants, the Archons, loathed and envied with great vengeance the real, true sort of creativity that the Love of the Maiden and the Source provided all things. It mimed those things but was unable to truly create.

Ethnea’s ultimate goal was to create an ovalisk incredible strong in it’s connection to the Source and then draw the Demiurge’s full nature out and then touch it with a gentle, warm touch that it tries to shy away from but can’t. And then it would be remade, reborn, with it’s reconnection to the Source that made it. And then the entire universe would be changed. That was Ethnea’s goal and for that she manipulated me (for which she apologized again). She made sure I picked up the ovalisk right when I did, that I experimented with it, that I used the Source and created and attracted the Demiurge’s attention. So she could touch it. But it wasn’t enough, so they encouraged me to stop, relax, knowing that I wouldn’t, because it was in my nature to create and I would fight back. I was the diversion to the Demiurge, but it put me in too much danger for Ethnea and Ashurai to bear, especially after my two encounters with Archons. So they let the ovalisk fracture, its power dwindle for a while, so that I would be safe. But Ashurai had given me a “repair crystal” in the color of my essence.

My new, blue ovalisk was keyed into me, giving me a more direct connection to the Source. But the red one was keyed into my brother, Brandon. Neither of the new ovalisks were as powerful as the old one, for the protection of us both at first. Ethnea regretted her gamble, tossing me a powerful tool before I was ready in the hopes I would change the world and draw out her enemy. Brandon was another matter. I’m reeling from a lot of things but this is probably the toughest. My mother had two children, twins. A boy and girl. Me and Brandon. She was having a rough time in her life and could hardly imagine taking care of two children but didn’t want to give them both up. So gave Brandon to a friend of the family…Ethnea Grenneth (Etna to my family), who had inherited Anita Palbos-Langer’s worldly possessions (read - her own).

She raised him well but also groomed him for his destiny as her descendant, an heir to her legacy of fighting the Demiurge. But he born sick. He was weak. He needed more treatments in the vat than even me just to survive. He needed to stay in there most of the time and when he was out, Ashurai tended to him as was her duty, her debt that could never be fully repaid. The Brandon I found was almost healthy again. Soon he could leave the vat again and be with Ashurai. My mind reeled. Why couldn’t he see his mother, our mother? Ethnea said in time he would, if both wished it. My mother, it turned out, just wanted to forget the child she gave up. To forget her mistake. I cried. What if that had been me? What if I’d been the one she picked to leave behind and not Brandon.

Both comforted me and then had to tell me the difficult news. They needed to take both ovalisks for my protection. This is where Alyssa, who had been listening in, jumped in and pleaded her case. Ethnea laughed and smiled. She assured Alyssa and myself the ovalisks would be nearby but they were such a drain on me even when not being used. They were a live wire of creation which sought always to create and renew. She said her skill was such she could isolate and hide the ovalisks till the time was ready for me and my brother. Both our ovalisks were the same yet different. The first ovalisk was the one Ethnea created for herself and since I was related to her, I could use it. She had crafted it with her needs, desires, insight and skill. It could do nearly anything. Mine was more nitty-gritty. It would just hit someone with energy and change them. Unfortunately, that sort of thing was very “loud” to the Archons.

Ethnea crafted hers to change people while they were sleeping, a much “quieter” version (for she wanted their attention but she didn’t want them swarming all her over every moment, the times I’d used my new ovalisk, the Ethnea and Ashurai had been nearby, shielding the ripples from my new ovalisk). She told me that she would teach and encourage both me and Brandon in how to create ovalisks fine-tuned to ourselves. Alyssa was still upset though. She wanted to be Temari in cosplay for the weekend and then maybe return to her male self. Ethnea nodded and told me to take out my ovalisk. She held it with me. There was no shock. She said she’d teach me in time how to hold the energy at bay till needed. Then she told me to focus on the image Alyssa wanted and then on the delayed return as something creative, as creating the same person as before, but new, renewed for their experiences. Then we touched Alyssa. Her eyes blinked a little and she slowly flowed into her anime-inspired shape and outfit. She smiled and blushed. Ethnea told me on Sunday at midnight she’d flow back into the same, but a new Mike.

So far as Johnina was concerned, she told me; she was all three, created as a dress, and a pair of girls. A swelling of her spirit. But if I wished, in time, I could turn the dress Johnina into something else or back into a human with no ill-effects. Nothing of the spirit was created or destroyed, only reformed. Even Aimie, a series of 1’s and 0’s, had a particular spirit, a creative inspiration in her software. I just gave her a bit of mine to inspire hers to a new form, along with a direct connection to the Source. I had a lot flowing through my head when Ethnea and Ashurai finally left. They both apologized for not being around more. But because of the Archons, things had been difficult.

Ethnea though had just moved into a small business down the block and was soon to adopt a new name for her new business. She even said with a smirk that she would probably sell anime-related items as well as her usual stuff, for my sake. She told me that the ovalisks would be there for me and Brandon whenever we needed them. And I would see Brandon on Wednesday of next week. Ashurai was also moving nearby (she sold her place in Bakersfield). Ashurai gave me a long hug and tears streamed down her red eyes. She apologized a dozen times over for misleading me. I accepted her apology. Ethnea and Ashurai even cleared up a question I had about my friend Ian in the library. They said he was an adept she was aware of but had never met. An adept being someone who can sense energy inside another but whose abilities are of a purely human nature. He must have sensed that I was being seriously drained and affected by my interaction with the ovalisks. Ethnea gave me a warm hug and told me starting next week she would teach me how to use and build upon the abilities of my new ovalisk. I told her to keep in mind I had classes too and writing. She just smiled and laughed gently.

I laid back and thought for a long time about what was said. It’s all out here, for better or for worse. There’s not much else I can say. My friends came over and I told them everything. They were shocked and surprised but overall optimistic. I left a message on my parent’s answering machine telling them we needed to talk. I don’t know what I’ll say to my mom at this point. At the very least it’s going to be rough. On the whole I feel as though a great weight has been lifted from and also laid on my shoulders. So much makes sense now but there are still so many questions. I hope that, in time, I’ll have answers to them as well. I’m going to go to the Convention with Temari/Alyssa so I’ll be gone for the weekend. Plus I have a lot to think about. But I figure I’ll have a lot of stories from it to tell. Johnina, Kerina, Aimie and Jin are coming too. So I won’t be want for company. It’s also still warm in this room, even though it’s evening. So I’m gonna go sit on the porch and relax for a bit and let all this absorb. Thanks for reading. That’s all for now.

Still waiting on Ashurai...

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 07:08:38 GMT

I went to a doctor today and enjoyed the relatively cool weather but we had a number of small brushfires around so that was a struggle on my allergies so I stayed in most of the day and did creative things. Kim and Allie came by with movies for us all to watch. Alyssa is settling in and the twins are actually embracing that they must be girls so they've been more girly lately than I could ever imagine Johnina could acknowledge within herself. They're so adorable but Kerina takes the cake for cuteness. Johnina is catching up fast though. Alyssa wants to cosplay as a Naruto character as a Con nearby this weekend, so this is the first mention of zapping her a little bit different. I'll wait till Ashurai to show up, I don't want to mess something up but Alyssa seems to be doing well. Her date went fantastic, she actually got around a couple of bases but she wasn't quite ready to go all the way with him, although I did make sure she was good for protection and started to tell her about the pill. She's intrigued and I think a few more dates and she might go for it. She's so outgoing. I teased her a little bit. But she looked so happy. She seems mostly torn because she liked being with me but as a girl the feelings are different but I can tell she still loves being around me. I just hope her first time is really special...although if it's as a girl it'll definitely be different. Anyway, not much has happened lately, just too many doctors checkups and stuff with Aimie feeling cruddy for many days. Poor sweetie. I hope she gets over her period soon. Oh well, that's it. Take care.

Alyssa has a date and is moving in. And letter from Ashurai

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 03:13:27 GMT

That about sums things up. Goodnight everyone.
Just kidding.
Looks like it might be a few days before the former Mike decides to let me turn him back into a boy. Actually I haven't gone and tried a test case of anything but male to female lately. I may have to do that later but in short, Mike is moving in and is going on a movie date Wed...oh yeah..I also got a letter from Ashurai. In it she said that "We are coming Friday, see you soon sweetie." Just she signed it though.

Mike put on a little fashion show for all of us before talking about her boyfriend, a cute, shy anime fan like she used to be. She even challenged him to a draw-off. Mike was always kinda anxious and self-hating of his work but Alyssa has more of a cute ego and enjoyment of her work. I don't know which is better because it meant Mike was never satisfied but it is nice to see Alyssa look at something she's drawn and smile. Also, she joked, she has a nearby visual aide for the girls she draws so she's a lot better off there. Also, with everyone's help I decided to turn the spare room into a third bedroom for Mike to stay for the week (normally for guests) since Aimie had pretty much settled into her own room in what used to be the guest bedroom. I even have room to put a pull-out bed in the front living room. Btw, there's the study, the front living...hallway...main living room..then to the side, the kitchen, dinning room and a sparsely used carport area. If you follow the hallway you go to my bedroom, the aforementioned unused bedroom, main bathroom, then the guest bedroom with its own bathroom which Aimie loves, she has such sweet privacy there. Anyway there's the tree in the front, kinda old, the gate, and garage on the side/back. There are two places for cars...well the path can fit four if need be. Then an open patio and small lawn in the back. I was idly considering doing something really nice with the garage since it's so empty, maybe have an anime lounge and carpet it. But that's in the future quite a bit. The now is that I'll be dealing with Aimie feeling down and wanting snuggles and Ashurai showing up and needing to provide me a lot more answers than she has thus far. *deep breath* Till then...overall I feel pretty good.

Mike to Alyssa

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 05:10:02 GMT

That's the name we picked for her. I'm still kinda reeling from finding that guy in the vat last night but life goes on. I haven't seen any Archons or any sign of Ashurai or anyone else for while so I need to live my life in the meantime. I've done more writing lately than I've done in a while, which I was happy to tell Antonia when she came over to visit. Aimie was crying today. I realized she's having her first period. It's been about two months, but then she is young so I figured that might happen. I gave her a lot of hugs and some Evening Primrose Oil and Advil. That made her feel a lot better and I sat with her for a few hours and watched some movies. Then I zapped Mike into Alyssa. Aimie gave her the first hug. Like with Johnina, she changed instantly, it made her reel a little bit. Jin came over soon and joined in the hugs and gave Aimie some snuggles and sympathy too. Allie and Kim visited too. I hadn't seen them in a few days. Kim had some cute pink streaks in her hair. She said that her and Allie might go on a summer vacation trip for a few weeks. I told them I'd miss them. But for now, we decided to go the mall and try some outfits on Alyssa (we agreed to the name). Aimie stayed at the house with Jin and Johnina (Kerina came with us). No matter how many times I see a new person created, I'm still amazed by the freshness of the change, by the new eyes they see the world with, with the joy in their eyes at a new experience. Alyssa was a little bolder, she always started trying on clothes even at home, posing quite a bit. She seemed right at home trying it out. And when we got to mall, she flirted quite a bit and returned it. By the time we got back from the mall, she had date for Monday and at least a dozen outfits to wear to it. She was enthusiastic about everything. She even asked if she could borrow some protection. I recommended she take the pill. And I also recommended she be careful because I had never tried to zap anyone back after they'd been intimate. The zap means you're essentially the same as the gender you're turned into...as I knew by how Antonia got pregnant. This did make her feel a little more cautious but she is very enthusiastic to experience what it means to be a woman. It's really cute. That's it for now. Aimie is feeling a little better and Alyssa is staying over and playing a board game. I'm gonna go play some more with the others before bed (maybe some hearts afterward). That's it. Take care everyone.

The Contents...

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 00:09:59 GMT

I want to trust Ashurai. I want to accept she's kind and isn't plotting something. I want to hope that but I'm confused by what I found inside the storage locker. I went there at night. Alone. I needed answers and feeling cut out of the loop of understanding by illness I had to follow up the only clue I really had. Johnina and Kerina wanted to come with me, and others, even Jin for some bishi muscle. Instead I had them give me hugs and encouragement and I went to the locker. I took a crow bar with me just in case. I didn't need it.

The night watchman let me through with a story of checking another container. I was able to sneak into R2949A this time. The storage locket Ashurai pays for, the locker she told me held "insurance", inside. It was securely latched but not locked. That worried me. I thought I heard some creak. But it was the second story of the complex. I undid the latch and pulled up the door. My eyes were filled with a red glow. There was a watery vat inside. Two actually. One was empty but faintly azure in color. A man floated inside inside the red vat, a few bubbles escaping to the top from an apparatus on his nose and mouth. His skin had a bright, sparkly shine to it. His hair seemed the same color as the vat, the same color as Jin's, but a deeper color of red and spikier. Also his face seemed older, rougher and more mature than Jin's. He was tall and smooth all over and highly muscled. Both vats had the faint traces of names etched on them. As I traced my fingers along it, I knew the name was "Brandon." I traced my fingers along the other one but it was short, almost half as long. The first letter was....L or I or something similar. I think four letters. I was trembling by this point as I looked at the man in the vat again. I didn't know what to think. I was scared. I relatched the door and ran home. I didn't think about it for a while. No matter who tried to talk to me, I couldn't talk about it. I just told Aimie, Johnina and Kerina this afternoon. They encouraged me. Johnina and Kerina have taken to wearing complimentary, contrasting outfits. After looking at them, I ran to where I usually hid the now-ovalisks and looked at them. One blue one which responded to me. One red one which didn't. I didn't know what to think I knew deep down, somehow, some way that locker (and the guy inside), and these ovalisks....and me...were all somehow connected...connected to what was happening, to the Archons, to Ashurai and Ethnea...to everything. I just couldn't figure out how. I hide the red ovalisk. Mike is going to come over tomorrow since I feel better and my ovalisk is working now. He wants to be zapped for a little bit and has just the image in mind.

It's a cute one. I've always felt love and content with regards to Ashurai, peace and calm...but now...I don't know. I feel anxious now. I feel concerned that...despite everything I feel. Ashurai may be doing something she hasn't told me about. And I don't know what to think about that. I need to give it some more thought...I think. I'm still holding out hope for an answer. Not a lot, but still. Till then I'm gonna watch some Escaflowne with the girls (and guy) and try to let my brain digest it all and enjoy feeling better as much as I can and try to write.

still reeling...need sleep

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 10:32:20 GMT

I can't believe what I found in the storage locker. My head is swimming with answers to questions I never thought I'd have to ask Ashurai. I don't know what to think. I need to sleep on this. I need to figure it out in my head. Then maybe I want talk about it. Till then. Sleep. For now, 'he' can wait I guess. I hope.

Been sick but getting better

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 03:26:50 GMT

I was sick and had a rough weekend because of something I ate I think, it was like my body was spliting in two because of the pain.

Erin and Mike visited me when I was feeling down, as did Jin, he already had a first draft of his story typed out. I wasn't doing quite so good with regard to my writings, fortunately I was able to get to my classes on the day I had to and was able to get sympathy and a copy of the lectures but I always feel bad aboout missing a lecture.

Erin is doing really cutely, she was dressed up in a nice skirt. I asked her if she'd been kissed yet because she said she went to a movie with male friend. She said no but with a blush. Mike is still wondering when I'm going to zap him, I decided it was time to fess up and tell him that it's damaged. He was sad and told me he'd like to help me fix it but I told him that only Ashurai and maybe Ethnea would know how to fix the ovalisk. I tried the blue stone again to no effect on it. At first.

At this point I was sad and troubled and worried about Johnina and not sure what to do, so I started crying. I cried on the blue stone and it lit up. I focused on the stone and on the ovalisks, I focused my energy on the dress, on restoring Johnina. I felt a shock, a pulse, something strange and yet familiar to me. It coursed through the stone and through me. I quickly touched the dress Johnina. A swirl of blue light leeched off the dress and formed to human-shapes. Two women. Beneath them was the dress. Both women had Johnina's appearance.

I roused the two girls. They woke up at the same time and squeeped simultaneously. They glanced at one another and covered their mouths in mirror-shock and looked at me. After questioning them, I realized both essentially were Johnina. And neither was dressed. So I gave them some clothes. In an quirk, one of the Johninas decided to wear the dress which was still underneath them. She looked really good in...herself. You see, as I would soon find out from using the blue stone, I could intuit about spirits. All three of them were Johnina. But also more than she'd ever been. There was some kind of energy source Ethnea used to create her ovalisk. In recreating the ovalisk, I had tapped into the same Source and rebirthed Johnina into a pair of...for lack of a better word "Maidens". There was only female spirit in her. Somehow I knew this by holding the blue stone. I'd been brushed by this female source. My body didn't respond well, so far as I can understand because soon afterward I had to go to the hospital. It seemed to have taken a lot of my resources to touch that and create the Johninas. I'm getting better now but slowly. It's like being struck by lightning, terrifying and shocking, even to me. I was able to get my eletrolytes back up and went home.

The Johninas adapted well. The new ovalisk seems to have no lag-time between change. I'm not sure that's better or worse. But at least Johnina's parents know they now have twin girls. And they are girls, utterly. I can't tell the two apart, especially since they seem to cling to one another in a sisterly way, they both adore me though. But one's name is Johnina and the other's is actually named Kerina. Johnina and Kerina. Kerina kept wearing the dress, which is still actually her, actually. I know, it's confusing but it makes more sense when I hold the blue stone and focus on Johnina. Johnina is as she was before, yet she's also been irrevocably changed by "my version of the ovalisk". Actually there are two ovalisks. A deep cobalt blue one and bright red one. I've tried the red one a few time but I seem to have no reaction to it. I can create and return a charge from the blue one with no trouble at all.

Kerina is so cute, she's like what I figured Johnina would be when turned into a girl, she had a wide-eyed, girlish cuteness from the get-go. But this is the same spirit my friend John was but he's been utterly reborn by that indwelling of that source of energy that she is more of a girl than could ever imagine my friend could be. Johnina is cute as well but in the demur way of before but also with a motherly glow to her face. She's quieter than Kerina, he sits and listens a long time and then offers hugs (she offered me mucho hugs in the hospital...I was so happy both of them were close to me, it made the experience bearable). They are both utterly girls. Knowing about this source now, I felt much more at ease about the ovalisk. But I did have to wonder how Jin was created, but then he is a bishi, a boyish male. I dunno. Still so many questions. And I would only get more questions.

After my forgettable trip to the hospital, I spent most of this week so far recovering. Kerina and Johnina have visited me every day since Sun and we've watched anime each evening. Often it's like being the center of a snuggle sandwich. They're both so cute, especially when you leave them together and they get to giggling and even after a long day of walking around in the heat and sand-blastedness of this town, they both smell sweet like an unimaginably beautiful set of lillies, and soft warm feelings incarnate. No matter how cruddy I feel right now, thinking of the two of them close to me leave me feeling warm in a good way, utterly banishing away the lonelyness I had when Johnina was a dress and all I could do was talk to her. Kerina asked me if I could turn dress Johnina into a swimsuit when the waterpark opens. I told her sure. I'm most surprised that no matter how long worn, the dress smells utterly amazing and fresh all the time. That must be why Kerina loves it so much. They both remember everything John remembers and me and know me and everything. They feel exactly the same. And yet, I can with each moment, each are the same, yet different permutations of John. As if he'd always been born a girl, with a sister. Johnina and Kerina both thanked me in a cute way for bringing her back and giving her a sister. They both had memories of being the dress. And it still made both of them blush as much as when John relaxed the feminine fantasy to me. They are both my best friend, but it's like, John was always a girl, diluted into a male shape, when I zapped him into a girl, I concentrated what was there. This Johnina and Kerina are him but utterly changed/injected/purified and as I said, reborn into an utterly girlish spirit.

When I feel better, I'm going to zap Mike. That's about all that's happened. I tried reading Jin's story and I'm surprised how much of my style is in his writing. It'd be flattering if he'd actually read anything I've written but I've never shown him my work. It's kinda interesting. Still no mail from Ashurai. Now for more snuggles from the Cutey Twins.

Hmm

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 07:41:37 GMT

I still haven't gotten a letter back from Ashurai or anything but there were some new developments. I met up the up with Jin and Kim at the library because I wanted to do some records research on Ethnea while Aimie was having a preliminary tutoring session. If not for Mike then I would have paid more attention to the cute guy at the reference desk who said his name was Ian. This is probably going to sound like a broken record but...I immediately felt something feminine or at least yearning to be feminine inside of him. He had a slight, calm but also soft form which blended girly and geeky in many claim I do (although better than me...although that wouldn't be tough to be cuter than me :-p). He helped me search through the public records for information about Ethnea. I tried to dig up information on her SSN and what records I could find from it but I was quite at a loss for leads.

Btw, Aimie had a really good night with her friend overnight. They decided to become "best friends" with some kind of cute little ritual involved with interlocking pinkies and other silly stuff. At least now I can find a better name for them than her "Lei" friend (although I figure I'll still be calling her that for a while...note to self, try to remember her name @_@) Anyway, Aimie's best friend came around for a while and they played a matching game on Aimie's laptop. She seems nice, just as polite as Aimie...Jayme!...that's her name...Jayme...something...Good thing I wrote it down here, this way I have no excuse for not remembering it.

Today was a good day overall. I felt better after the local (smallish) earthquake actually. It was interesting. It was like a jottling wave and it was as good for my energy levels as having a load of caffine without the shaking and druggy side-effects (well just with the shaking actually). I don't want an earthquake every day to help me feel better but it was like I got a recharge from it. Weird. But good. Mike and Erin gave me a call, they're both going to come over tomorrow (Mike on a bike and Erin on the train...sorry...not everything can rhyme...)

Aimie's tutoring went well, she's having her read the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Jin is still overflowing with ideas.

Johnina is still the cutest dress I've ever seen.

I hope I see Ian again, even though I'm kinda focused on Mike. He wrote something on the research items list note at the bottom which confused me though. He wrote, "Be careful." I didn't ask him about it. Probably general words of help. Although...I dunno. Maybe I'm still overthinking things. I had a good day. For that, I'm happy.

Something is going on

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 04:16:22 GMT

I decided to take this day to go back over my thoughts, what I've written, where I was and where I seem to be going. And what I've learned today. I talked to my great-aunt and my mom today. My great-aunt left out or forgot the extent of my family's relationship with Ethnea Grenneth. Apparently Ethnea Grenneth was a good friend of my great-grandmother, Anita, so much so that my great-grandma left all her worldly posessions to her (her husband had died some years ago and she was sort of the black sheep of our family...this is really the first I've heard of her). Her maiden name was Palbos. They weren't able to tell me much but my mom brought a photograph of her. Naturally, she looked familiar but then she was my grandmother.

On the one hand, I know because of the Archons lingering seemingly just outside my door it might not be a good thing to go checking on Ethnea but I need some answers, mostly for myself. I love Ashurai but she's so mysterious. She feels like a mentor to me but that also means she talks in semi-riddles and open-ended questions. She wants me to find my own way. I think. Either way, I'm going to do what I can to figure out what's going on. At least it keeps me from despair. I was reminded of the blue stone that Ashurai gave me when she "left for a while". I had an inspiration to use it with the ovalisk-halves (the halves, after a little bit of growth, have since remained about the same, separate and rough at the fissue, it's like they're waiting for something...a splint, a mend which I can't offer) It didn't do anything to help or hurt them which I could see. My ovalisk and kitty are both broken and only one is really healing. Geena isn't allowed to walk around much but it's tough to tell a cat to keep off her feet. She gets around slowly until I scold her. On the whole I feel less "crazy" now than I have recently. Maybe it's because I feel like a have a new purpose since the ovalisk broke...one to restore Johnina and two to figure out what's going on around me. Also I have Aimie to take care of. She become a woman today. It turns out her lethargy wasn't due to the Archon, it was due to PMS. She had her period today. She adapted well and listened carefully to my instructions. She was going over to her "Lei" friend's house to go swimming so I told her to use a new tampon and to change it immediately after swimming and she'd be ok. She put the applicator I got her and some extra tampons, a couple of books and her cute red swimsuit which matches her hair in the totebag I'd given her and was off.

While she was gone I looked at Johnina again and all the stuff she'd ordered through my catalog. She was so shyly excited when it came but she never got to use them. The cute swimsuit. A nice spirit bracelet, a pair of silver, clip-on earrings, the RPG nightshirt,the fitted shirt and glitter. I laid Johnina carefully on the bed and the items on her. With a bemuse smile, I considered how utterly of a girl's possessions, nature and appearance she was now, she was utterly in service to the feminine. My consolation was that maybe in that moment she was happy. I still had to restore her though, she was my best friend.

I have to wait till summer classes start to observe more classes. I've been doing a lot of reading for my special populations class. The online one isn't so bad though. I'm up to seven hours of observation. Only twenty-three left to go. I'm gonna take Antonia up on her offer of a tutor since Aimie won't be able to enroll in summer classes due to the timing. Oh and another small announcement...

ANTONIA IS PREGGERS! ^_^

She'd been keeping it secret for a little bit and waiting for the right moment to spring it on me and her husband. She cried tears of joy. She told me that when she was first turned into a woman by me she was hesitant to spend more than a day in the body of woman but now, feeling it, knowing it, realizing this is how she always was in every respect but body, she's so overjoyed by the chance to be a "mommy". To be a woman for the rest of her days. I felt touched by her tears and words. And the feeling hit me, I helped someone. I really really helped someone.

Kim is still getting some flack from the other teachers about the false accusations but hopefully it'll cool down at the end of this week. She'll be teaching summer school, so she'll be my main source of observation hours for my class. Lucky thing ^^.

Allie has been trying some white makeup with her light-red-tinting contacts, it makes her look a lot like Ashurai, especially in her gothic-sensibility attire. Which makes me miss the comfort Ashurai provided me all the more. Allie is an amazing artist for her age, even better than Aimie. And she drew the same blue-skinned woman that Aimie did (although slightly better *peeks to make sure Aimie still hasn't come back...she's supposed to sleep over at the "Lei" friend's house). I asked her about it and she said she hadn't seen the image Aimie drew, which I found hard to believe but that she stuck to it. I watched Scrubs with her, Kim and Jin (who came over recently...he had even more ideas he had to tell everyone but I missed them because Mike came over and I was preoccupied talking with him)

Mike had a drawing he drew which he wanted to show me. For a second I was worried it was of a blue-skinned woman but as you can see here...

...it's not.
But it's an really awesome image, courtesy of Michael Moore ^^ *cheers*. Art always helps to cheer me up. I naturally teased Mike a little about zapping him into a doppleganger of her. He blushed a little and almost had a visible nervous teardrop but didn't seem too against the idea. Then I remembered that my ovalisk was split in half. I told him that we'd do it when the time was right. He looked a little disappointed but nodded. Actually, I think the only person who knows that it split is Johnina and she's kinda in a non-talkative state...oh and anyone reading this LiveJournal naturally ^^;;;. But I know you guys and girls won't tell...otherwise that distinction of guys and girls may well be flip-flopped....except for the fact the ovalisk is split again. It's a surprise how many of my ponderings and ideas are dependant on that little object. Was/Am I becoming addicted to it? I seem to be ok right now. When I zapped with it, I did kinda feel out of sorts for a while after but then I do have occasional health issues due to allergies and such and then my period too. When I didn't zap with it after a while I got antsy. Oh well.

I'm just glad I feel more together today than I did before. I feel like I'm actually moving forward towards...something...what exactly that is...I don't know.
*blows kisses to all* Despite that, I feel much more together than I have lately. Take care everyone. Later.

Story Time

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 03:16:03 GMT

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Jody. All her friends called her Jo. Jo loved to write. Jo wrote all the time. Jo also liked helping people. But Jo felt helpless. Jo wished she could actually help people some day. And so time passed. Jo grew up. She fell in love. She fell out of love. She got confused over what she wanted in life. She felt lost and confused. So she kept writing. She wandered through her existence. Drifting along, asking so many questions. Never getting answers. She made friends. She lost friends. Life went on. She wrote. She went to college and graduated with honors. Someone liked her writing. A publisher offered a contract for a book. Jody used the first advance as a down-payment on a house and some furniture. She was able to move into her own place. She took her two kitties with her. She took her big honking Anime collection too. But there were some empty places, within and without. So she went to garage sales, church rummages, and the flea market. It was at one of these sales, she found something and it changed her life.

Good start? Just a thought because of what I posted before about writing it all up as a novel that it might be interesting. Sounds too much like a kid's novel though. I dunno. *giggles*

Yeah, I just giggled. I've been worrying so much. It's a release to just let one out. Geena and Bobbi have been trying to comfort me a lot lately, Geena in whatever way she can with her limited mobility. I don't want them around right now no matter how much I love them. I feel like hitting my head and crawling into something soft. I'm so torn. I want to be happy and I want to be sad. It's "that time" anyway so it makes sense. I feel so wired and also I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

So many people came over to help and...I dunno. There was Jin. I tried to listen to his neat story and absorb more of his ideas. The Huggle-seeking Bishies. They're lonely because there aren't many of them, so they try hugging everyone they meet and they become one of them and they're not as lonely, but that's still not enough. It's...insatable. It's a need that keeps going on and on and on. Something deep in their hearts. They just need to do it. It's like breathing. They must commune with others of their sort. If they can't they lose the will to be. It's torture. If they can't touch, they can't be

Listening to Jin tell me about his ideas, it makes me remember an idea I once had sorta like that but I can't remember it. Oh well, he's welcome to give it a shot. At this point I feel so creatively thwarted that I know everyone else can do better than me. I told Antonia just about everything and she said she'd try help things out with the publisher. She seemed kinda distracted today though. At this point, I'm worried what will happen if I breach my contract but even that's not my biggest worry.

My mom and dad came over. I finally told my parents about Ethnea and Ashurai. Mom blanched a little. I asked her about it but she said she'd have to go through the "old family documents". If I felt more together then I'd ponder what she meant by that more but I calmly nodded and told her to do that and tell me what she finds.

I haven't told anyone about Johnina, her parents can't seem to remember if they had a daughter. That worries me most. What if Johnina doesn't exist except a piece of feminine clothing? What if the idea she ever existed was just a dream I had once and I diluted myself into think she existed? If her, then how many other people. Since the ovalisk split I haven't felt much. But it's not like when I encountered the Archons, it was like someone trapped what I had inside a rigid container, locking it away, sucking it away, draining the discord into black and white order. Like mental chains. As I ponder these feelings, I wonder...why haven't I seen any of this before? Why can I see it now? Does the ovalisk have something to do with it? Anyway, what I feel is like I've used up so much of what is inside me like a town well and I don't know what's left.

The visit from mom helped a lot. Then Kim came over and brought Allie, who had the most beautiful flowers in her hair. Antonia cooked for me and gave me hugs too. I was worried by how quiet though. Aimie draw a picture of me, standing on a hill, with Ashurai and another woman with lightly blue skin and sloping horns on her head. I asked Aimie and she wasn't sure who it was, she just drew it. I still put it on my wall. Something about the blue woman seemed familiar.

I'm still waiting on a return letter from Ashurai. Watching Allie's eye makes me remember Ashurai. She's likes her contacts. Erin wants to come visit again (things got complicated for a while, still are, so I told her to wait till things calm down). I have too much class this week for all this. Having everyone around though helped. Made me feel better. More like myself. I guess. I wore Johnina again today and then washed her recently. I spent several minutes staring at her, marveling at the perfection of the cloth, at its smoothness. It/She was a woman's dress. I'm still handling her carefully, partly due to reverence from the beauty of her/its silkyness and partly because of fear that I'll tear her or hurt her in some way. I checked on the ovalisk halves recently. They seem to be healing, fusing back together and also swelling. I don't know what happened to the ovalisk, I'm worried I messed it up. I need some sleep. I haven't been sleeping much. I'm gonna sleep wearing Johnina again. I don't want her to feel alone if she feels anything anymore. Take care everyone. Sorry, I'm not my usual peppy self of late. I'll try to be better.

PS - Wasn't able to get ahold of Mike today. Bummer...oh well.

Been quite a week I guess...

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 05:34:39 GMT

Aimie had her graduation today (it was an informal event with punch and cake) and I decided to go back to writing my LJ again. I'm still not quite at the point where I feel like dealing with all that's happened but it's ok. I'll try my best. I've encountered Archons on two further occasions since that incident at the mall where I felt one watching me. I was arrested once in the last week for charges I can't even figure out now (something to do with endangering Aimie). I cried myself to sleep many a night. Johnina is hanging in my closet. Kim Bell nearly got fired from her job. I was able to watch Aimie's class for a little bit last week but that was about the quietest thing that happened overall. She's getting along with the other students so well, I just feel inspired by her joy. And I met a guy who helped me out and made me laugh a bit.

Ok. There's a week of stuff to go through so this is going to be kinda tough.

Geena (finally decided to give her a female name), has a broken paw because she defended me from an Archon. She lept at him and he batted her away. It was Tues, last week I think. I'd had to stop using my computer due to technical issues. I discussed with Allie and Kim how to help protect Allie and Aimie. Allie has a real fashion for dark, mysterious-like clothes and she also likes to put in red contacts which don't make her look as creepy as you'd expect because she has really gentle eyes (like Ashurai)

Well Tues, I was visited by a man in a suit. As I was standing around him, it felt like all the color drained from the room, like he was sucking every bit of imagination and creativity from my body. Authority and order was all that remained. I've had some weird encounters with authoritarian people (my grandparents for one). But I knew in an instant that this being was an Archon and he represented everything that Ashurai and Ethnea stood against. Ashurai is a fallen angel, and Ethnea, as Ashurai told me in a letter I received on Monday, is a half-demon (I was so happy to hear from Ashurai). Her mother was a demon or "Yokai", in love with a mystic. Naturally from my Western perspective, I cringed when hearing the word but Johnina informed me soon after about them, telling me that they were beings of great power ranging from greedy to simply mischevious. But they were also creatures of great inspiration, passion and complexity. Naturally the Archons and the Yokai would be at odds because the rigid order Archons strive to preserve. The Yokai instead wished to stir it up, break order, create change. So Ethnea's desire to promote change went into her creation of the ovalisk (which is broken in half right now) I guess.

Ok, lets put this in linear order.
Allie went through the events of the last week largely untouched, finishing up classes with her mom as her teacher for English and Foreign Language. Lucky her. Kim wasn't as well off. By the way, Bobbi (another renamed kitty), is the better off of the two. She flew in when Geena got hurt by the Archon and together, we were able to do something that seemed to weaken him (also I think Ashurai's protection spell on me helped to along with her advice). Then he vanished. Before my eyes, he melted away like black ice. Of all the things I've seen in this world, of all the strange things I've been witness to, even the changes of Antonia and Jin, nothing struck me to my core like that.

He wanted to see my papers for Aimie. I told him I didn't have them. Then he started sniffing around. I knew he would find the ovalisk before long, he was edging towards it, so I dropped the pretense of treating him like a human and remembered what Ashurai told me about saving myself from the subjugation of an Archon through force of will, reminding myself that I was a true-spirited human being. It was one of the scariest moments of my life and Geena is still feeling the effects. She's not allowed up much for the next couple of weeks because of the splint on her kitty-leg but Bobbi is kinda tending to her in her own way.

Jin came to comfort me from the whole affair. He's writing a lot of Yaoi-fiction lately, even a story set with boys who are able to create more of themselves with a touch. Their forms seem to be rather androgynous though. It's interesting because even with being male they seem to be imbued with a number of feminine traits like passionate emotions and a soft nature but also a feeling of lonelyness even among their great number. I like the idea although my preference falls the other way but it did intrigue Johnina for a bit to consider it going the opposite way. It's kinda fun that she's so captivated by the idea of a boy turning into a girl that even now that it has happened to her in actuality, the notion still hasn't really hit her full force. That she would always be a girl. Which was actually not entirely accurate, but I'm getting to that.

Oh and I saw Star Wars. I was actually kinda disappointed. But I'll cope, it was kind of a rough week anyway. It has to get better from here. Aimie has been well but she was kinda lethargic since the Archon showed up at our door. I worried that it drained some of the life from her. She's sleeping around twelve hours, she's already asleep. I do hope she'll be ok. That's why I cried more than anything else.

Then came the arrest towards the end of the week. This Archon had police officers with him. They didn't seem to notice what I felt and that made me wonder if using the ovalisk has affected me in some way. Had I always seen Archons and never noticed them? Were they always among me and watching and making sure I kept in line? Was I getting too paranoid? I figured, rather macabrely, that if I survived this, it'd make a great fiction book in addition to the one I was supposed to be writing. Book? Why write a book? My life is a book!

Anyway, I had a thoroughly nerve-wracking experience at the police station, fortunately, Kim was able to stay with Allie and Aimie. They did question her though and nearly filed charges (that's why she was nearly fired the next day. The Archon told her district she'd been connected with "child endangerment" charges. Fortunately before it became something too serious, Antonia, I and her Principal were able to settle things in a fashion that left Kim with her honor as a teacher intact.) The Archon seemed to have vanished over the course of the proceedings. When he was gone, things seemed to get better.

Then I went to an anime store which just opened downtown and I met a really nice guy there. His name is Michael Moore (not that one). He's a webcomic artist and an all-around nice guy. When we went home to watch some anime shows, it wasn't long before I revealed about the ovalisk and he lept at the chance for many things, including a look at the other side of the fence, to the chance to go to a Con in a cute cosplay outfit, as well as the chance to get a date easier (I assured him that gender didn't help much but he was still adamant about it being a plus). All and all it wasn't a date but it was a nice little encounter between people who shared an interest. I promised him I'd used the ovalisk on him for a little bit, but mostly I was afraid because so far I hadn't used it on people on a temporary basis, so I wasn't sure if I could actually do it. What if I didn't restore him to exactly the same previous state? With all that was going on, when he left and Johnina was hanging right outside my door, I looked down at the ovalisk in its bag and I let out a scream of frustration, passion, everything and anything inside me. It was like a wave leaving me. Then I heard a crack. I looked down. The ovalisk had split in half inside the bag. I panicked. I grabbed at, not carring that it shocked me and I tried to force the halves back together. Johnina rushed over and tried to help but I got upset and flailed at her, I wanted her to just stay there. I don't know what else I thought. I was thinking about her love of inanimate transformations (she had always been intrigued by Aimie's change and often wondered what would happen if it went the other way). I cried to myself and set the split ovalisk down. I looked over and Johnina's clothes were lying on the ground. I was confused. I poked at her clothes. Then I realized there was a shimmering, blue silk dress inside them. The material was soft, gentle, the very epitome of the feminine nature. As I held it in my hands I felt the faint embers of thoughts. This was Johnina. She has become a dress. It was one of her many fantasies and I'd accidentally made it come true. I tried to use the ovalisk to turn her back. But I didn't feel a shock from either of the halves. I tried to wait for a bit for the change to wear off. Thinking that, maybe because it had shattered, it wasn't as powerful.

But since the past two days, Johnina is still a dress. Feeling her now, that spark of thought has faded. Now there's only a sensation of feminity throughout the material. She is the pure womanliness she always blushed at and feared to be, trapped inside it. The thing is, I think she likes it. I still want to turn her back but I'm not sure how. I need to get the ovalisk repaired or restored or whatever happened. I don't know how. All I can do is write a letter to Ashurai, which I did to the address she gave on her letter (mailed it this morning) and hope to get a reply sooner or later. For now, I was far past the point of crying so I decided to have a little fun. I first did a little meditation to defend myself mentally against any Archons (I checked back at the police officer yesterday about the man in black who was an Archon and none of the officers who checked me out could remember him). Btw, they kept me overnight but eventually even the officers realized the charges looked phony, so they apologized and released me. Antonia said I have a legal case if I wanted to pursue it but at this point with Archons seemingly all around me, I just want to lay low for a while. But I also don't want to leave Johnina like this. I did wear her to dinner tonight though. I hope she didn't mind but I thought if she remembered the experience it'd be better and less lonely than lying in the closet till I got things set right. And I promise to her, if she can hear me, I will restore her.

I'm gonna call Mike soon. We talked about going to a movie this week. I could use something escapist like that while I'm waiting for a reply from Ashurai or Ethnea or both or someone. I looked really nice wearing Johnina I think. I almost heard a "squeep" when I was posing. Probably my imagination. Anyway, this is going pretty long but then it's been a while since I've written one. That was my week. This one is just starting but so far it's going ok. I just hope I can relax. I get this bladder issue in the summer due to stress and the heat and I have both around me at this point. I've taken to being in the house in my underwear. Aimie seems to have a high heat tolerance but I've seen her in sparse clothes as well. I can't wait till the waterpark opens in town. If Johnina was a swimsuit, I could wear her to the opening. Oh well. It'll be ok. I just need to give it time. I just need to stay strong.

Been having computer issues

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 08:02:36 GMT

I may be scarce until I get in fixed or I may borrow Aimie's laptop to help. Oh well. I'll post more soon or I won't ^^;; take care

Another Day, Another Entry

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 03:25:13 GMT

I'm still feeling a bit of reeled from my first couple of classes, fortunately I'm now done for the week. I'm gonna need to take next week to go observe a couple of secondary school classes to help with my credential. Fortunately I already talked to Aimie's English teacher (which I'm glad to say she is currently getting a solid A in) and she'll let me come view the class next week plus it'll be a real interesting experience to see how Aimie is doing socially, I see little hints here and there but she seems to rather quiet and calm and sweet and not really stick out much. Most seem to think she came from a foreign country, mostly because of odd rasberry hair color. She has been a little self-conscious at times and then I'm reminded that more than a month ago she wasn't conscious period so it's amazing to just think it over in my mind and wonder over this little life I helped to create and what it means to me. I've been giving her more hugs lately and I hope I don't make Allie feel jealous, she was over and they were both playing on Aimie's computer. I think I'll get her that game machine I was pondering over soon. I'm not sure I want her to watch tv all the time but it might help her integrate more. It's kinda interesting, I want her to be distinct and unique but I also want her to not feel separate from everyone else. Oh well, I have an allergy headache going due to the pollen so I'm gonna go lie down. Take care.

What a day!

Tue, 31 May 2005 07:07:45 GMT

Last day before I have teaching credential classes. Kim will be picking up Allie and Aimie now (they go to the same school and Allie actually has her mom for a teacher). And we went to a BBQ in the center of town. It was fun, there were hot dogs, chili, plenty of watermelon (Aimie loves that and she is actually getting really close to Allie, they've been playing all sorts of cute games. I could just watch the both of them all day. I can tell Allie feels wonderful and I must say I envy her quite a bit. She has youth and joy. And I know she's enjoying it to its fullest. Then I felt a soft hand on my shoulder. I turned and looked into a pair of warm, red eyes. It was Ashurai. I was so happy and I asked her to sit and so many questions, especially when she came in town, how long she could stay and how she was. She smiled softly and sat beside me. She whispered fast and softly to me.
(reconstructed from memory)
"There are many things I can't tell you now but don't worry. It will be ok. Ethnea is safe and I will be safe as well. You are protected no matter what and so are those you love. The Love of the Maiden and many other beautiful things within you. I know it hurts now and it will hurt for a little while but the Demiurge will never hold power you. I will return but I have a debt which still must be settled." Then she handed me a blue stone and rose to her feet, she held me warmly and kisses me on the cheek. Then she left.

That was the feeling I remember from the conversation and the one part that drove into my mind like a sledgehammer was "I will return." I felt like crying because I could tell what she meant. Ashurai had to go. I would miss her. I wouldn't be able to call her and listen to her comforting voice. I hugged Aimie a bit more. Well, there's a lot of feelings to ruminate over, especially what to do with this blue stone. I talked to everyone about it once and they offered me encouragement (Johnina especially). Now that I think about it, Ashurai vanished kinda quickly and it makes me wonder if she actually visited me in spirit. I dunno. It's getting late and I have my class to still get my pack ready for. I tried calling Ashurai's number but it just rang and rang with no answer. I tried a couple of times. After the fifth time I stopped. I need to get some sleep. Maybe things will feel better in the morning. I just feel like I lost a best friend (Ashurai was one of my best friend even though I don't talk about what we talk about much but she's so caring, mostly I don't talk about it because it's just personal stuff, when I feel unsure about myself and she gives me gentle encouragement and soft words} and I don't know when I'll see her again. I will really miss her.

Welcome Allie

Mon, 30 May 2005 08:38:33 GMT

She blushes everytime I look at her and she finds it hard to look at herself in the mirror because a lot like John when he was first zapped, she finds it really hard to find that the teenage girl in the mirror looking back at her is really her now, not the overweight, sad-eyed government officer she's used to seeing. Her dress looks really nice on her too. Also some stuff happened with Jin I'd like to talk about too.

First of all, the day started kinda slow. I've had this weird sort of lump in my throat for the last few days and I've been kinda medicated. I have to wonder if it's some kind of acid reflux deal but I'm hoping it'll get better soon. I wrote some things for a while before meeting Alex at the park nearby, Kim showed up too and Aimie tagged along (Johinina had some work to do at home). Well Alex and Kim wanted to be mother and daughter. They'd apparently chatted about it the other day for a bit and had decided that they wanted to do it, at least so far as records and history were concerned.

We talked about how we were going to do it for a bit, then we headed back to my home and I touched the ovalisk (usual static shock) and then touched Alex. Then she took a nap. Kim and Aimie watched her change. The shape in her clothes dwindled and smoothed away, becoming small and slim. Her clothes also drew close to her and took on a girlish shape to match her girlish form. I suppose by now I'm getting used to the overall change process you could say but it still fascinated me, especially how when I first touched Alex, there was a sense of relief on his face which I'd never seen before. When she woke up, she touched all the new stuff on her body and was particularly fascinated by her new arms. Like those I'd zapped before her, she spend a lot of time with my full-length mirror in the bathroom, particularly spinning in her dress and giggling and just overall enjoying how she looked now. Then she gave her new mommy a big hug. I told Allie that she could come to visit Aimie anytime she wanted and stay over in her room any time she liked.

Then Jin. Jin was crying a little today, I asked him what was wrong. His soft red hair was askew and his green eyes had tears. He spilled to me some things that he'd been ruminating on for a while. He felt liberated by being a man and adored the absense of periods but there were some things that kinda bothered him. Such as the reality of boy-boy love. California isn't the meanest place about it but he felt bad about the strange looks people gave him and hugging his boyfriend close when he felt bad. He absolutely adored him, he said, he was the absolute sweetest guy in the world. The reality shift with his zap hadn't changed that a bit. It was the same love that made his muscles weak, his heart pulse warmly, and his head feel like he'd swallowed a bit too much wine. He also talked a bit about the change of gender, it'd taken him a while to really grasp the enormity of it. He enjoyed the feel of his new gender, the anatomical differences, how his form gave him confidence and assurance and comfort.

But despite whatever frowns he got for being a pretty, gay boy he wouldn't trade it. The idea of it had always held a mysterious and seemingly forbidden alure but now he wouldn't have it any other way. It was his life as he had always dreamed it. It brought him peace and calm even though the body took over a month for her to get used to. She said she felt a lot more even temptered, level-headed and calm. She did get grumbly from time to time but it flared up quickly and then died. Especially in the arms of his beautiful boyfriend, he felt like all was ok in the world, no matter what happened.

Allie stayed here for a while. Ashurai called and Allie and Ashurai really hit it off. Then we watched Gravitation because I knew Jin would like it. Everyone else liked it too, including myself. This is kind of a late post so I'm gonna wrap it up, I blow kisses in the direction of Allie (who's going to sleep with Aimie and Kim tonight - Kim is staying over, sharing the bed with the girls). Tomorrow we're going to a local Memorial Day cookout. Should be fun. Take care all. Bye!

Finally Got Some Sleep...Alex is coming on Sunday

Sun, 29 May 2005 08:07:55 GMT

He sent me some information over the internet about what he wanted. He spilled to me a lot of things, like how he's a gnostic, concepts of the feminine spirit and joy and a lot of other stuff I wouldn't expect from him just by looking at him. It's really neat. I'm sure he'd love to meet someone like Ashurai, actually Ashurai wants us to come visit again and my friend Erin wants to see me again too. She's working on a comic with a friend that sounds like half-fiction, half-autobiography, fun ^^.

Anyway, Alex sent along an image we had to negotiate about at first because she likes bright red eyes and alarm bells went off in my head a lot at first that having red eyes might be a big problem because people might be spooked, sure I could tell them she's an albino girl but that would cause some problems so we were able to alter the color to a nearly natural tone with a little bit of the supernatural in it (the original sounded surprisingly like Ashurai's eye. Odd.). Here it is.

It's really cute. I can't wait to give him this form tomorrow. We worked out that he'll be about Aimie's age but Alex said he had an idea he wanted to discuss with Kim (they talked a bit and seemed to hit it off, I thought at first as maybe dating but that doesn't seem to be the case). Now, some sleep.

No Sleep for the Zappy

Sat, 28 May 2005 08:19:44 GMT

Well I went to the doctor and I found out what was going on so now I'm highly medicated. So that's helping, that's not even the biggest thing. First of all, last night I had the single worse sinus headache man or woman can imagine, I didn't sleep for several hours. Aimie came over and comforted me for a while and I went over and slept in her bed for a while but nothing helped. Never have I been so tempted to use the ovalisk on the myself. The irony is I just wanted to use it because it tends to zonk people out when you use it. But I couldn't imagine anything safe to give myself over than a new hair style and I don't feel too confident yet to trust myself with it, especially after the weird incident at the mall.

Alex had to cancel. I wonder if it was cold feet or something came up. I hope he's ok. I'm gonna try and get sleep tonight.

Migraine @_@

Fri, 27 May 2005 07:33:09 GMT

See the above, Aimie gave me lots of snuggles along with everyone else but I was out of it for most of the day. I was able to offer a little bit of creative content but I rested for most of the day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better, unfortunately Alex is coming, hopefully I'll be with it enough not to just zap him on the spot. I've been kinda icky most of this week and I have to wonder if it had anything to do with my encounter with what Ashurai now warns me was an Archon, but it was just watching me. Maybe I'm making too much of it, I didn't do anything and it was just watching me but it did kinda freak me out. She said she put a protection spell on me in-case it comes around me again. I also told her to wish health on me too. @_@ blah...need sleep.