Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jody_langer's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
2:07 pm	Been another week... Funny how these things pass so quickly. I had a pretty rough week of calling people about my college program. And then on Monday. Ashurai came back. She's in a coma in the hospital. I asked Ethnea what happened. She said she didn't know. She never told her. My parents finally are talking to me again but not about my birth. I had a dream about Brandon on Tuesday. He was choking me. All in all not the greatest week I could have had but I met up with Ian at the library. We talked for a while, compared notes. He's an Adept apparently, he can sense magical energy on people so he was concerned by how much was on me and what I was into. I appreciated his concern. I told him as much as I could, not too much about what Ethnea told me because I'm not too sure I can trust him yet. But I did tell him that energy was in my blood. He wants to come visit this weekend and I do hope I'll have the time. Things have been hectic. I still have a paper to do this evening for my class so I better get too it. Fortunately the worst of the weird stuff has let me be while my classes haven't let up. Aimie is doing well in her tutoring. Kim and Allie when on their trip to Santa Barbara on Mon for the week. The "Nina" Twins, as I kinda tease them as have been doing fine. Johnina has gotten rather stronger in her spirit. It's really beautiful. Jin went to Comic Con and so did Mike. But not me. Too busy alas, although I did have a trip to Thousand Oaks to deal with my records from a previous college. Not any cooler there though. Oh well, hopefully I'll survive this summer. That's all for now. Mike and I have a video game tournament planned to make up when I finally get ahold of some time for it. Current Mood: busy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
2:39 pm	It's been a crazy week I did go on that date with Mike but we just found up sitting in the car and talking. It was really nice. I'm still practicing with Ethnea. Her business also seems to be flourishing. Ashurai came back, looking worse for wear. I asked her to go to the hospital. She had some kind of large injury on her right side but she said that she would heal in time, it was alright. I did wonder to myself what kind of creature could cause such a large injury in a fallen angel. Johnina and Kerina have been going to a Naginata Dojo nearby. It attended once. They looked so nice in the uniform. Johnina complained it looked a little dress-like but I noted she'd worn even more feminine items in the past and that made her blush but her sister made her wear it and she liked it. Aimie and Allie have been going to the mall a lot with Kim. On the whole I've been considering going on a trip for a while but the only thing I can consider is going to the beach somewhere because around here it's starting to get up into 109 range and it's 68 along the beach. Definite temptation. I might go on a second date with Mike to Comic Con, but I don't know. There's been a lot of school-related stuff going on and I just keep putting it off and making it more of an issue than I needs to be. And I'm still scared that something has happened to Brandon. I asked Ethnea about this the last time I practiced with her on building up the abilities of my ovalisk. I'm working on timing a change to distance it from the touch. She didn't say much. Mom hasn't said much either. We talked but no about any of my concerns. Right now to her it's like I next asked those questions. Even my dad is hush about it. I've been asking other family members but it seems like there's a code of silence about it and I worry that's just going to cause more pain in the end. Well, that's all for now. Take care. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Friday, July 8th, 2005
10:44 pm	Mike asked me out We're gonna go to a movie on Saturday. I decided tonight was a good night to relax with some anime and a movie like Hotel Rwanda. Something inspiring like that. Pretty much everyone is coming over. I still have observation to do. This time a special ed class. Oh and I did some more practice with the ovalisk. Ethnea was open for business so I got some Miyazaki films at a cheap price. Other than that. It's been kinda quiet lately. Too quiet. I still worry about Brandon and Ashurai said she had to leave for a few days. I hope she'll be alright. Ethnea told me not to worry but she seemed a little concerned. I was able to turn the Johnina dress into a swimsuit with the ovalisk. I was able to slow down the change a little. Then I had Johnina and Kerina wear it. It was so cute. ^_^ Johnina got nervous the most. It'll be so much fun when the waterpark is open. Later for now. Current Mood: busy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
9:45 pm	Give this another shot I was at Ethnea's place. It's nice. It's called the Mystic Blue Winds. Which is a blessing on it derived from the fact it's really windy here so a good source of energy to draw from. She had me meditate with her and ovalisk. She showed me how to send energy from one place to another. It was really neat although a little scary. It was like I was deep inside my body and my body was just an artificial suit that was distanced from me. It was truly strange but she said I'm progressing well. Aimie is her normal spunky self. Still no Brandon. Ashurai is concerned that she may have seen an Archon lurking around the storage locker and that might have been related to what happened. I sure hope Brandon is ok. Our mom doesn't want to talk to me. My dad couldn't say much but he did say over and over that my mom was going through a difficult time when she had me. And she never really wanted a son. She wanted two daughters. That must be why she's so fond of Aimie. I've always cared for my parents. I think they're incredible parents and they've been so nice to me but it's hard to accept the mistakes they've made in their lives. It hurts to see how I want to see them, how I want to love them diminish under the weight of too many secrets eating at them. I do want to make amends with my mom but I've done my part, it's her move now. There's nothing else I can do but wait and in that time hope that nothing bad has happened to Brandon and he isn't hurt. The Convention went awesomely. I picked up some prize swag. I also picked up Planetes and Yotsuba& 1. Jin snuggled every bishi in sight. Alyssa won a cospay contest for best costume and got asked out a bunch of times but had to say that she had a boyfriend, that she was taken, which was weird for her for a number of reasons. When she returned to being Mike after a weekend of fun, he vowed to be a much more outgoing person and more confident. Aimie loved looking at the wall-to-wall anime art and got some figures of Di Gi Charat characters. Kerina dressed up as Etna and Akemi was dressed up as Plenair from Disgaea and other Nippon Ichi works. They were both a hit at the Convention and I think, had a lot of fun being cute girls. Akemi said to me that she knew she had a male side and female side and for now, so long as she had a female body, she's decided not to let the cuteness go to waste, she would be a woman with 100 percent of her enthusiasm for it. She would make sure each day she truly lived it and didn't regret being shy or self-hating or worried about what would happen if she was too feminine. She would just be. That gave me comfort in a week of uncertainty and still mulling over what I had learned. On July 4th, everyone watched the fireworks, I went out too, we could see them well from my house, but I went inside because while they were nice, my mind wasn't on enjoying them. Things are a little better now but I just feel so anxious, like knowing something bad is going to happen and I can't really do anything about it. I wish I could relax more. So much is settled but at the same time is feels like nothing had been settled. Oh well...goodnight... Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
1:42 am	*looks around* Well Ethnea and Ashurai had to cancel my trip to the store, mostly because of the city having activities too nearby, the problem with Brandom missing and not wanting to let any of their concerns put a damper on my holiday. I was ok with it. I had a good weekend with Mike, who is back to Mike. Had major computer problems so my heart isn't in talking about this. I'll try tomorrow. Take care. Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Monday, July 4th, 2005
3:10 am	Back Just got back from the Convention. I'll post details tomorrow. ^^ *plops on the bed* (considers getting a set of fold-out couches) Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Friday, July 1st, 2005
11:58 pm	Post Script - Before Bed I was up packing for the Convention when Ashurai called me and told me that she checked the storage locker and Brandon was gone and his vat was empty when she got there. There was some alarm in her voice which worried me but she told me not to worry, she would take care of it. And to have fun at the Convention. I need to get some rest but I can't help but feel worried about Brandon, what happened to him and if he's alright. I'll try to sleep though and have a fun weekend. Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
8:09 pm	The Truth Unveiled ( The Truth ) Current Mood: optimistic (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
12:09 am	Still waiting on Ashurai... I went to a doctor today and enjoyed the relatively cool weather but we had a number of small brushfires around so that was a struggle on my allergies so I stayed in most of the day and did creative things. Kim and Allie came by with movies for us all to watch. Alyssa is settling in and the twins are actually embracing that they must be girls so they've been more girly lately than I could ever imagine Johnina could acknowledge within herself. They're so adorable but Kerina takes the cake for cuteness. Johnina is catching up fast though. Alyssa wants to cosplay as a Naruto character as a Con nearby this weekend, so this is the first mention of zapping her a little bit different. I'll wait till Ashurai to show up, I don't want to mess something up but Alyssa seems to be doing well. Her date went fantastic, she actually got around a couple of bases but she wasn't quite ready to go all the way with him, although I did make sure she was good for protection and started to tell her about the pill. She's intrigued and I think a few more dates and she might go for it. She's so outgoing. I teased her a little bit. But she looked so happy. She seems mostly torn because she liked being with me but as a girl the feelings are different but I can tell she still loves being around me. I just hope her first time is really special...although if it's as a girl it'll definitely be different. Anyway, not much has happened lately, just too many doctors checkups and stuff with Aimie feeling cruddy for many days. Poor sweetie. I hope she gets over her period soon. Oh well, that's it. Take care. Current Mood: drained (Comment on this)
Monday, June 27th, 2005
8:13 pm	Alyssa has a date and is moving in. And letter from Ashurai That about sums things up. Goodnight everyone. Just kidding. Looks like it might be a few days before the former Mike decides to let me turn him back into a boy. Actually I haven't gone and tried a test case of anything but male to female lately. I may have to do that later but in short, Mike is moving in and is going on a movie date Wed...oh yeah..I also got a letter from Ashurai. In it she said that "We are coming Friday, see you soon sweetie." Just she signed it though. Mike put on a little fashion show for all of us before talking about her boyfriend, a cute, shy anime fan like she used to be. She even challenged him to a draw-off. Mike was always kinda anxious and self-hating of his work but Alyssa has more of a cute ego and enjoyment of her work. I don't know which is better because it meant Mike was never satisfied but it is nice to see Alyssa look at something she's drawn and smile. Also, she joked, she has a nearby visual aide for the girls she draws so she's a lot better off there. Also, with everyone's help I decided to turn the spare room into a third bedroom for Mike to stay for the week (normally for guests) since Aimie had pretty much settled into her own room in what used to be the guest bedroom. I even have room to put a pull-out bed in the front living room. Btw, there's the study, the front living...hallway...main living room..then to the side, the kitchen, dinning room and a sparsely used carport area. If you follow the hallway you go to my bedroom, the aforementioned unused bedroom, main bathroom, then the guest bedroom with its own bathroom which Aimie loves, she has such sweet privacy there. Anyway there's the tree in the front, kinda old, the gate, and garage on the side/back. There are two places for cars...well the path can fit four if need be. Then an open patio and small lawn in the back. I was idly considering doing something really nice with the garage since it's so empty, maybe have an anime lounge and carpet it. But that's in the future quite a bit. The now is that I'll be dealing with Aimie feeling down and wanting snuggles and Ashurai showing up and needing to provide me a lot more answers than she has thus far. *deep breath* Till then...overall I feel pretty good. Current Mood: artistic (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
10:10 pm	Mike to Alyssa That's the name we picked for her. I'm still kinda reeling from finding that guy in the vat last night but life goes on. I haven't seen any Archons or any sign of Ashurai or anyone else for while so I need to live my life in the meantime. I've done more writing lately than I've done in a while, which I was happy to tell Antonia when she came over to visit. Aimie was crying today. I realized she's having her first period. It's been about two months, but then she is young so I figured that might happen. I gave her a lot of hugs and some Evening Primrose Oil and Advil. That made her feel a lot better and I sat with her for a few hours and watched some movies. Then I zapped Mike into Alyssa. Aimie gave her the first hug. Like with Johnina, she changed instantly, it made her reel a little bit. Jin came over soon and joined in the hugs and gave Aimie some snuggles and sympathy too. Allie and Kim visited too. I hadn't seen them in a few days. Kim had some cute pink streaks in her hair. She said that her and Allie might go on a summer vacation trip for a few weeks. I told them I'd miss them. But for now, we decided to go the mall and try some outfits on Alyssa (we agreed to the name). Aimie stayed at the house with Jin and Johnina (Kerina came with us). No matter how many times I see a new person created, I'm still amazed by the freshness of the change, by the new eyes they see the world with, with the joy in their eyes at a new experience. Alyssa was a little bolder, she always started trying on clothes even at home, posing quite a bit. She seemed right at home trying it out. And when we got to mall, she flirted quite a bit and returned it. By the time we got back from the mall, she had date for Monday and at least a dozen outfits to wear to it. She was enthusiastic about everything. She even asked if she could borrow some protection. I recommended she take the pill. And I also recommended she be careful because I had never tried to zap anyone back after they'd been intimate. The zap means you're essentially the same as the gender you're turned into...as I knew by how Antonia got pregnant. This did make her feel a little more cautious but she is very enthusiastic to experience what it means to be a woman. It's really cute. That's it for now. Aimie is feeling a little better and Alyssa is staying over and playing a board game. I'm gonna go play some more with the others before bed (maybe some hearts afterward). That's it. Take care everyone. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 25th, 2005
5:10 pm	The Contents... I want to trust Ashurai. I want to accept she's kind and isn't plotting something. I want to hope that but I'm confused by what I found inside the storage locker. I went there at night. Alone. I needed answers and feeling cut out of the loop of understanding by illness I had to follow up the only clue I really had. Johnina and Kerina wanted to come with me, and others, even Jin for some bishi muscle. Instead I had them give me hugs and encouragement and I went to the locker. I took a crow bar with me just in case. I didn't need it. The night watchman let me through with a story of checking another container. I was able to sneak into R2949A this time. The storage locket Ashurai pays for, the locker she told me held "insurance", inside. It was securely latched but not locked. That worried me. I thought I heard some creak. But it was the second story of the complex. I undid the latch and pulled up the door. My eyes were filled with a red glow. There was a watery vat inside. Two actually. One was empty but faintly azure in color. A man floated inside inside the red vat, a few bubbles escaping to the top from an apparatus on his nose and mouth. His skin had a bright, sparkly shine to it. His hair seemed the same color as the vat, the same color as Jin's, but a deeper color of red and spikier. Also his face seemed older, rougher and more mature than Jin's. He was tall and smooth all over and highly muscled. Both vats had the faint traces of names etched on them. As I traced my fingers along it, I knew the name was "Brandon." I traced my fingers along the other one but it was short, almost half as long. The first letter was....L or I or something similar. I think four letters. I was trembling by this point as I looked at the man in the vat again. I didn't know what to think. I was scared. I relatched the door and ran home. I didn't think about it for a while. No matter who tried to talk to me, I couldn't talk about it. I just told Aimie, Johnina and Kerina this afternoon. They encouraged me. Johnina and Kerina have taken to wearing complimentary, contrasting outfits. After looking at them, I ran to where I usually hid the now-ovalisks and looked at them. One blue one which responded to me. One red one which didn't. I didn't know what to think I knew deep down, somehow, some way that locker (and the guy inside), and these ovalisks....and me...were all somehow connected...connected to what was happening, to the Archons, to Ashurai and Ethnea...to everything. I just couldn't figure out how. I hide the red ovalisk. Mike is going to come over tomorrow since I feel better and my ovalisk is working now. He wants to be zapped for a little bit and has just the image in mind. It's a cute one. I've always felt love and content with regards to Ashurai, peace and calm...but now...I don't know. I feel anxious now. I feel concerned that...despite everything I feel. Ashurai may be doing something she hasn't told me about. And I don't know what to think about that. I need to give it some more thought...I think. I'm still holding out hope for an answer. Not a lot, but still. Till then I'm gonna watch some Escaflowne with the girls (and guy) and try to let my brain digest it all and enjoy feeling better as much as I can and try to write. Current Mood: concerned (2 Comments |Comment on this)
3:32 am	*still reeling*...need sleep I can't believe what I found in the storage locker. My head is swimming with answers to questions I never thought I'd have to ask Ashurai. I don't know what to think. I need to sleep on this. I need to figure it out in my head. Then maybe I want talk about it. Till then. Sleep. For now, 'he' can wait I guess. I hope. Current Mood: surprised (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
8:27 pm	Been sick but getting better ( Rough Couple of Days and Johninas ) Current Mood: tired (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 17th, 2005
12:41 am	Hmm I still haven't gotten a letter back from Ashurai or anything but there were some new developments. I met up the up with Jin and Kim at the library because I wanted to do some records research on Ethnea while Aimie was having a preliminary tutoring session. If not for Mike then I would have paid more attention to the cute guy at the reference desk who said his name was Ian. This is probably going to sound like a broken record but...I immediately felt something feminine or at least yearning to be feminine inside of him. He had a slight, calm but also soft form which blended girly and geeky in many claim I do (although better than me...although that wouldn't be tough to be cuter than me :-p). He helped me search through the public records for information about Ethnea. I tried to dig up information on her SSN and what records I could find from it but I was quite at a loss for leads. Btw, Aimie had a really good night with her friend overnight. They decided to become "best friends" with some kind of cute little ritual involved with interlocking pinkies and other silly stuff. At least now I can find a better name for them than her "Lei" friend (although I figure I'll still be calling her that for a while...note to self, try to remember her name @_@) Anyway, Aimie's best friend came around for a while and they played a matching game on Aimie's laptop. She seems nice, just as polite as Aimie...Jayme!...that's her name...Jayme...something...Good thing I wrote it down here, this way I have no excuse for not remembering it. Today was a good day overall. I felt better after the local (smallish) earthquake actually. It was interesting. It was like a jottling wave and it was as good for my energy levels as having a load of caffine without the shaking and druggy side-effects (well just with the shaking actually). I don't want an earthquake every day to help me feel better but it was like I got a recharge from it. Weird. But good. Mike and Erin gave me a call, they're both going to come over tomorrow (Mike on a bike and Erin on the train...sorry...not everything can rhyme...) Aimie's tutoring went well, she's having her read the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Jin is still overflowing with ideas. Johnina is still the cutest dress I've ever seen. I hope I see Ian again, even though I'm kinda focused on Mike. He wrote something on the research items list note at the bottom which confused me though. He wrote, "Be careful." I didn't ask him about it. Probably general words of help. Although...I dunno. Maybe I'm still overthinking things. I had a good day. For that, I'm happy. Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
9:16 pm	Something is going on ( Something..perhaps? ) Current Mood: calmer (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 14th, 2005
8:15 pm	Story Time Once upon a time, there was a girl named Jody. All her friends called her Jo. Jo loved to write. Jo wrote all the time. Jo also liked helping people. But Jo felt helpless. Jo wished she could actually help people some day. And so time passed. Jo grew up. She fell in love. She fell out of love. She got confused over what she wanted in life. She felt lost and confused. So she kept writing. She wandered through her existence. Drifting along, asking so many questions. Never getting answers. She made friends. She lost friends. Life went on. She wrote. She went to college and graduated with honors. Someone liked her writing. A publisher offered a contract for a book. Jody used the first advance as a down-payment on a house and some furniture. She was able to move into her own place. She took her two kitties with her. She took her big honking Anime collection too. But there were some empty places, within and without. So she went to garage sales, church rummages, and the flea market. It was at one of these sales, she found something and it changed her life. Good start? Just a thought because of what I posted before about writing it all up as a novel that it might be interesting. Sounds too much like a kid's novel though. I dunno. *giggles* Yeah, I just giggled. I've been worrying so much. It's a release to just let one out. Geena and Bobbi have been trying to comfort me a lot lately, Geena in whatever way she can with her limited mobility. I don't want them around right now no matter how much I love them. I feel like hitting my head and crawling into something soft. I'm so torn. I want to be happy and I want to be sad. It's "that time" anyway so it makes sense. I feel so wired and also I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. So many people came over to help and...I dunno. There was Jin. I tried to listen to his neat story and absorb more of his ideas. The Huggle-seeking Bishies. They're lonely because there aren't many of them, so they try hugging everyone they meet and they become one of them and they're not as lonely, but that's still not enough. It's...insatable. It's a need that keeps going on and on and on. Something deep in their hearts. They just need to do it. It's like breathing. They must commune with others of their sort. If they can't they lose the will to be. It's torture. If they can't touch, they can't be Listening to Jin tell me about his ideas, it makes me remember an idea I once had sorta like that but I can't remember it. Oh well, he's welcome to give it a shot. At this point I feel so creatively thwarted that I know everyone else can do better than me. I told Antonia just about everything and she said she'd try help things out with the publisher. She seemed kinda distracted today though. At this point, I'm worried what will happen if I breach my contract but even that's not my biggest worry. My mom and dad came over. I finally told my parents about Ethnea and Ashurai. Mom blanched a little. I asked her about it but she said she'd have to go through the "old family documents". If I felt more together then I'd ponder what she meant by that more but I calmly nodded and told her to do that and tell me what she finds. I haven't told anyone about Johnina, her parents can't seem to remember if they had a daughter. That worries me most. What if Johnina doesn't exist except a piece of feminine clothing? What if the idea she ever existed was just a dream I had once and I diluted myself into think she existed? If her, then how many other people. Since the ovalisk split I haven't felt much. But it's not like when I encountered the Archons, it was like someone trapped what I had inside a rigid container, locking it away, sucking it away, draining the discord into black and white order. Like mental chains. As I ponder these feelings, I wonder...why haven't I seen any of this before? Why can I see it now? Does the ovalisk have something to do with it? Anyway, what I feel is like I've used up so much of what is inside me like a town well and I don't know what's left. The visit from mom helped a lot. Then Kim came over and brought Allie, who had the most beautiful flowers in her hair. Antonia cooked for me and gave me hugs too. I was worried by how quiet though. Aimie draw a picture of me, standing on a hill, with Ashurai and another woman with lightly blue skin and sloping horns on her head. I asked Aimie and she wasn't sure who it was, she just drew it. I still put it on my wall. Something about the blue woman seemed familiar. I'm still waiting on a return letter from Ashurai. Watching Allie's eye makes me remember Ashurai. She's likes her contacts. Erin wants to come visit again (things got complicated for a while, still are, so I told her to wait till things calm down). I have too much class this week for all this. Having everyone around though helped. Made me feel better. More like myself. I guess. I wore Johnina again today and then washed her recently. I spent several minutes staring at her, marveling at the perfection of the cloth, at its smoothness. It/She was a woman's dress. I'm still handling her carefully, partly due to reverence from the beauty of her/its silkyness and partly because of fear that I'll tear her or hurt her in some way. I checked on the ovalisk halves recently. They seem to be healing, fusing back together and also swelling. I don't know what happened to the ovalisk, I'm worried I messed it up. I need some sleep. I haven't been sleeping much. I'm gonna sleep wearing Johnina again. I don't want her to feel alone if she feels anything anymore. Take care everyone. Sorry, I'm not my usual peppy self of late. I'll try to be better. PS - Wasn't able to get ahold of Mike today. Bummer...oh well. Current Mood: torn (Comment on this)
Monday, June 13th, 2005
10:34 pm	Been quite a week I guess... ( The week that was ) Current Mood: anxious (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
1:02 am	Been having computer issues I may be scarce until I get in fixed or I may borrow Aimie's laptop to help. Oh well. I'll post more soon or I won't ^^;; take care Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
8:25 pm	Another Day, Another Entry I'm still feeling a bit of reeled from my first couple of classes, fortunately I'm now done for the week. I'm gonna need to take next week to go observe a couple of secondary school classes to help with my credential. Fortunately I already talked to Aimie's English teacher (which I'm glad to say she is currently getting a solid A in) and she'll let me come view the class next week plus it'll be a real interesting experience to see how Aimie is doing socially, I see little hints here and there but she seems to rather quiet and calm and sweet and not really stick out much. Most seem to think she came from a foreign country, mostly because of odd rasberry hair color. She has been a little self-conscious at times and then I'm reminded that more than a month ago she wasn't conscious period so it's amazing to just think it over in my mind and wonder over this little life I helped to create and what it means to me. I've been giving her more hugs lately and I hope I don't make Allie feel jealous, she was over and they were both playing on Aimie's computer. I think I'll get her that game machine I was pondering over soon. I'm not sure I want her to watch tv all the time but it might help her integrate more. It's kinda interesting, I want her to be distinct and unique but I also want her to not feel separate from everyone else. Oh well, I have an allergy headache going due to the pollen so I'm gonna go lie down. Take care. Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)